Category: Marital Bliss

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

It was Sunday. Most members of the small community attended church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the house of worship. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said:

“Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied:

“Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” – Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t” – said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” – asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” – returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” – persisted Satan.

“Yep,” – was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?” – asked Satan.

“Nope.”

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked:

“Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied:

“Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BAD LUCK

A woman's husband had been a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health failed you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” – she gently asked smiling, her heart filling with warmth.

“I think you're bad luck.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

LOVING SPOUSE

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker:

“May I have two bagels to go, please?”

The baker said in astonishment:

“Two bagels? Nothing more?”

“That’s right,” – answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.”

“Bernice is your wife?” – asked the baker.

“What do you think,” – snapped the little man, – “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

NEW EMPLOYEE

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

“Now do you understand?” – he asked.

“I think so.” – she said. “That is when mommy came to work for us.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

WILD WEST

A 10-year-old asked the sheriff to quickly come to the saloon, because someone is beating up his Dad. The sheriff came running and saw two men involved in a terrible fight.

“Which one is your father, son?”

“I don’t know. That’s what they’re fighting about.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

STOIC PATIENT

The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No expensive extras, Doctor,” – he ordered. “No gas or needles, or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” – said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Miller turned to his wife:

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television and told his wife:

“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighed and got him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he said:

“Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said:

“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife was furious. She yelled at him:

“Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .”

The man sighed and said:

“It’s started.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There were several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rang. A man picked it up and the following conversation ensued:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It's me.”

“Sugar!”

“Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

“What's the price?”

“Only $1,500.00”

“Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”

“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2011 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000.”

“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! But before we hang up, something else...”

“What?”

“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it...”

“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”

“OK, sweetie ...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!”

“Bye ...I do too...”

The man hanged up, closed the phone's flap and raising his hand while holding the phone asked all those present:

“Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Category: Marital Bliss

BLEKA PROSPECTS

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly: Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. “

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

“What did the doctor say?”

“That you’re going to die,” – she replied.

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Category: Marital Bliss

NOW SHE HAS NO CHOICE

Undressing at the swimming pool, a woman noticed her friend wearing men’s underwear.

“Since when do you wear boxer shorts?” – she asked.

“Since my husband found them in the glove compartment of my car.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

GROUND RULES

A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said:

“No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

JOLTED AWAKE

A woman complained to her best friend:

“There is only one thing wrong with my husband. When he comes, he always lets out an earsplitting yell.”

“That’s not so bad,” – answered the friend, – “it would even arouse me.”

“It arouses me too, “ – said the first woman, – “but it also wakes me up.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HALLOWEEN

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. On the eve of the party, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought that she would have some fun by watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her mate would make for his behavior. The wife was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said:

“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.”

Then she asked:

“Did you dance much?”

He replied:

“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......”

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Category: Marital Bliss

SAME SERVICE

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said:

“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.”

“Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

HAPPY DAY

Jim came to work with an unusually radiant face, whistling a cheerful little tune under his breath.

“What is the happy occasion, Jimmy boy?” – queried his co-workers.

“My wife lets me have sex with her only once a year,” – replied Jim, with a big grin across his face.

“What is there to be happy about such deplorable behavior?” – asked one colleague.

“Because today is that day!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

THE SAME

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent”.

“One penny?!” - exclaimed the guy.

“Yes”- said the barman.

The guy glanced over at the menu and asked:

“Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?”

“Certainly sir” - replied the bartender, - “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” - inquired the guy.

“Four cents,” - he answered.

“Four cents?!” - exclaimed the guy. “Where's the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replied:

“Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy said:

“What's he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replied:

“Same as what I'm doing to his business.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

FAMILIAR WITH THE TYPE

An elderly couple was driving cross-country and the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said:

“Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

The old man yelled:

“HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.”

The patrolman said:

“May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

The old man yelled:

“HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.”

The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said:

“I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex I have ever had.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

“What did he say?”

“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” – the old man yelled.

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Category: Marital Bliss

HOMELIES

Said a man:

“I have a very educated wife. She speaks two foreign languages and reads a lot.”

His pal nodded quietly:

“My wife is ugly too.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

IT IS A FREE COUNTRY

A man and woman entered the restaurant and took seats at one of the empty tables. The man beckoned to the waiter.

“I am quite hungry, so broil me your biggest, thickest, juiciest beef-steak.”

“And what about the Mad Cow?” – asked the waiter.

“The mad cow can order whatever she fancies.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

MUTUAL DISLIKE

After repeated complaints of pain in her abdomen, the dutiful husband took his wife to a clinic. The internist gave the woman a thorough medical check-up, then with a frown on his face, motioned the husband to the side and whispered to him:

“I don’t like your wife at all.”

“Neither do I,” – whispered the husband back, – “but what can I do? She’s such a good mother to our kids.”

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Category: Marital Bliss

A POINTED HINT

One evening, a man sitting at the window casually called to his wife:

“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!”

His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window:

“Where? Where?” – she demanded.

“Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.”

“You idiot! That’s his wife!!!”

“Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.

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Category: Marital Bliss

FIT PRESENT

A fellow said to his buddy:

“I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.”

His buddy said:

“I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!”

The next day his buddy asked:

“Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?”

“She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”

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Category: Marital Bliss

IT IS BETTER TO BE SURE

Adam was returning home late one night at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got angry and yelled at him:

“YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!”

Adam responded:

“Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth” – and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.

“What the heck are you doing?” – he asked.

“I'm counting your ribs,” – she responded.

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Category: Marital Bliss

FITTING PUNISHMENT

A man and his wife were on their way to visit some friends. The woman kept pestering her husband about his driving and warned him that the highway police will stop them. Just as she finished speaking, their car was flagged down by a policeman, who asked for the man’s driver’s license.

“What did I do?” - queried the man.

“You were speeding,” - replied the policeman.

“You see!” - interjected the woman. “How many times do I have to tell you to drive more slowly?”

Without another word, the policeman returned the driver’s papers and waved them on their way.

“Are you letting me go without a fine?” - asked the man incredulously.

“I think that you have been punished enough, my friend,” - said the policeman graciously.

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Category: Marital Bliss

TROPHIES

The big game hunter was showing his guests the trophies mounted on the wall of his den. The heads of a fierce-looking African lion, a Canadian grizzly, a deer with magnificent antlers, a pair of ivory tusks. Suddenly one of the guests pointed at the head of a mustachioed man, mounted there among the stuffed animal heads:

“And who is he?”

“That is Antonio, an Italian singer,” – answered the hunter. “I bagged him in my wife’s bed.”

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