Category: Viagra

GOLFER

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue  "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked:

"How many?"

The man replied:

"Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said:

"That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.”

The old fellow said:

"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

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Category: Computers

BRIEF ONES

¬ Question:

“What is common between women and Microsoft Windows”?

Answer:

     “The Plug and Play feature.”

¬”We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.”

Professor Robert Silensky of California University

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Category: Straight from the Hip

PARTLY USED

A divorced man met his ex-wife's new husband at a party. After knocking back a few drinks, he went over to the new guy and asked him:

"So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"

To which the new husband replied:

"It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches, it's all brand new."

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Category: Sporting World

A TRUE GOLFER

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said:

“Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!”

She looked at the men in the room:

“And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together --- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.”

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

“Yes?”- answered the teacher.

“I was just wondering. Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Category: Simpleton

DOCTOR'S MATE

A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant:

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow, but I don't want to have to close the clinic. I want you to take care of it and all of our patients". 

"Yes, sir!!!" - answered George. The doctor went hunting and on returning the following day, asked:

"So, George, how was your day?" 

George told him that he took care of three patients:

"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." 

"Bravo George and the second one?" - asked the doctor. 

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" - said George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" - asked the doctor.

 "Sir, as I was sitting here at the desk, suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. In a flash, she undressed herself, took off everything, lied down on the table, spread her legs and shouted:

"HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!!!!!" 

"And what did you do George?" - asked the doctor. 

"I put drops in her eyes."

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Category: Political Jokes

THE PREACHER'S SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whisky

A Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door", - the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." - the old preacher disgustedly whispered, - "he's gonna run for Congress."

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Category: On the Farm COUNTRY LIFE

When you're from the country, your perception is a little different from the big city person. 

 

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about nine years old, opened the door.

"Is your Dad or Mum home?" - asked the farmer.

"No, they went to town" - said the boy.

"How about your brother Howard. Is he here?" - asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mum and Dad," - answered the boy.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," - said the boy.

"Well," - said the farmer uncomfortably, - "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.... It's about Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Category: Old Age Humiliations

THREE OLD LADIES

Three little old ladies, Tillie, Maude and Gertrude, with their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude had a stroke.

Poor Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.......  

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Category: Mothers

OUT OF HER KIND HEART

Said a mother to her neighbor:

“I don’t know why it is said that people in the big city are so bad. My daughter moved to New York just a few months ago and her boss has already presented her with a fur coat, a sports car and a fully furnished apartment.”

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Category: Modern Fables

EXCELLENT GUESS

The prince took a stroll in the woods. Suddenly an ugly old woman, with a magpie on her shoulder appeared.

“Beautiful prince,” - said the hag - “if you manage to guess the name of the bird on my shoulder, I will be yours three times in a row.”

“A giraffe,” - said the prince in panic.

“Right on the first guess!”

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Category: Naughty Jokes

A VERITABLE ROMANCE

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into
 a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
 approached me soundlessly, from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
 close to my ear:

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped
my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

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Category: Mother-in-Law

WHY SHOULD SHE?

During the early evening hours, a man returned from a long business trip, let himself into his apartment with his key, hung up his coat and tiptoed to the bedroom. He opened the door quietly, peered into the dim room and saw a covered-up shape sleeping soundly on their bed. Nodding with satisfaction, he took off his clothes and slipped under the sheets beside his mate.

After a surprisingly steamy session, followed by a more relaxed one, the man felt like having a beer and went to the kitchen. To his amazement, he saw his wife there, having a cup of coffee.

“You are here? Then who was that in our bed I just had sex with?” - he stammered.

“That must have been my mother,” - answered his spouse stoically. “She was a bit tired, so she took a rest in our bed.”

“Then why didn’t she speak up?”

“She hasn’t spoken to you for 20 years, has she? So why should she now?”

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Category: Misers

THE OTHER ONE

"How much are the bagels?"

"40 cents for two."

"How much for one?"

"25 cents"

"Then I'll take the other one."

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Category: Marital Bliss

MIXED EMOTIONS

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said:

“Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said:

“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick… “

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Category: Male Chauvinists

TASTES VARY

An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room, his chair in tow, to his voluptuous, young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered:

“Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him, or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you.”

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the wife hissed:

“Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in >years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.”

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Category: Lawyers

DIVORCE ATTORNEY

A father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy was holding a penny. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy has swallowed the quarter and started panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying:

"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", - the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

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Category: In the Middle East

TAKING NO CHANCES

A guy went on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Suddenly the mother-in-law died. They went to a local undertaker, who explained that they could ship the body home, but that would cost over $5000, whereas they could bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy said: "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asked: "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy said: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”

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Category: Genies, Jinns and Fairies

THE TINY PIANIST

A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asks what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.

The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 

"Where on earth did you get that?" - said the bartender.

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said:

"Here, Rub it."

So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there was a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie was standing before him. 

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish -- each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said:

"I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming! The bartender turned to the man and quite angrily said:

"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" - said the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"

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Category: Gay Liberation Front

TEEN AGE SEX

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Category: From the Mouths of Babes

WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asked her Mom:

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replied:

“No, because she is in heat.”

 “What's that mean?” - asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.”

The little girl went to the garage and asked:

“Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said:

“Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said:

“OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

 The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked:

“Where's Belle?”

The little girl answered:

“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”

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Category: For Your Kids

DYSLEXIA

A blind man came into the carpentry workshop. He felt the wood file with his fingers and exclaimed:

“Who wrote such a lot of nonsense?”

TWO OF MURPHY'S BEST LAWS: 

“Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

“The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood you are standing in the wrong line.”

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Category: Ethnic Stories

IRISH VIRGINITY TEST

Paddy was planning to marry, he was and asked his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor said:

"Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks:

"Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replied:

"Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...’, you hit her with the shovel.”

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Category: Ecumenical Stories

MIRACLE

A woman started dating a doctor. Before too long, she became pregnant, but they did not want the child. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest came into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor said to the woman:

"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" - she asked.

"It's worth a try," - he said.

So, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he went in to the priest and said:

"Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" - asked the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" - said the priest.

"I just did the operation," - insisted the doctor, - "it's a miracle!  Here's your baby!"

 About fifteen years went by and the priest realized he must tell his son the truth. 

One day he sat the boy down and said:

"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The boy said:

"What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replied:

 "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

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Category: Doctors and Patients

MIRACLE MAN

A doctor who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had his waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said:

"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered:

"What miracle? .  .  . He gave me a longer cane.."

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Category: C'est la Vie

BRIEF ONES

¬ If ever you feel an urge for working coming on, withdraw to a quiet corner and wait patiently until it passes.

¬ A man lived for 30 years in a house opposite the cemetery. Now he resides opposite his house.

¬ If there would be 10 people like you, Earth would be a paradise. Trouble is, there are millions.

¬ If you don’t go to other people’s funerals, they will not come to yours.

¬ Learn from your parents’ mistakes: Use prophylactics!

¬ If you paint the devil on the wall, the janitor will kick your ass.  

¬ If you smoke after sex, you are doing it too fast.

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